Mutton Fairly Murderous: Shepherding Konami Badlands's Cabin Maiden
by Quillon42
Summary: Considers the strange woman in Konami's old Badlands arcade game from back in the 1980s...the one whom the protagonist Buck encounters near the cabin...and attempts to explain her origins.


MUTTON FAIRLY MURDEROUS: THE SHEPHERDING OF KONAMI BADLANDS'S CABIN MAIDEN

By Quillon42

Not even the thirstiest of suitors approach my place anymore.

They were interested for a dog's age, and now it seems as long that I've seen a man at all.

It's quiet in this bijou cabin. I built it myself after inheriting the strength and the sharpness that the Indigo Shepherd afforded me. A mite shy of five hundred feet square in fact; I've got all I really need and not a bit more. Real practical, honestly; if people had sense, they'd turn on to this tiny house concept someday. But everything in the scope and sweep of the American Dream is best when it's big.

Always expanding out…that's the ideal of the Frontier. Pushing the bounds to make more room, mine more metal, clear out the area for the incoming from Europe or Canada or wherever.

Contrarily has my mind run to an extent now, all really since my spouse skipped out on me. Rand said that Mary had a sass and a sting to her that I could never cop, and so next thing I knew I was left out to my own devices in this wilderness. Seems the scum got sick of helping out with developing new towns and such, and so he took to taking from the people, 'stead of giving through honest work.

Because I couldn't bring myself to perpetrate the same, I went the other direction and turned to the law for help or at least guidance. You know what they said?

They whipped up some crock about how they "didn't have the resources" to root out and bring to justice all the gang run by my Rand. …Or by just "Rand," sorry, he ain't mine no more. But then they turned to me full. Would I like a job in surveyin?'

As I needed the cash, and I didn't have too many life skills beyond that which I wasn't willing to lower myself to do, I agreed to labor for the municipality to which I had done pertained. My work detail had me out in solitude amidst Nature, as the foreman said he didn't trust none of his boys on payroll workin' with a pretty girl such as myself. You ask me, I think he was fixin' to suit me out for his _own_ self.

Anyhow I set to searchin' out this one cavern my sketchy cuss of a boss set me out to scan on up. I got to imagine he knew the passage were haunted—must've been the real reason he gone sent a woman. Slime like him didn't want to waste "good men" on a condemned space such as this. T'were all I could do to dodge the skelertons n' then in some shakes find myself out back in daylight!...'course, it wasn't the sky pertinent to the side I'd come in.

I swear it, you should've seen the size of some of the lizards I kenned! One huge looming thing with two heads and all…it went done effed off, though, after I jes' chucked a pebble 'r two at it. Figured it probably wanted prey that wouldn't have been so ornery, I reckon.

Then from out a pond nearby a gigantic splash…and it were she who greeted me the next second, and my life never been similar since.

Somehow I found the ennity could talk with me through what I were thinkin' and such. Said it was a she just like me and that she too, Scaly Lady, 'd been tired of all the waywardness what she had to put up with in her own end of the yard. Scaly then set me to thinkin' (in a very direct and litterlal sense) thet I could get some power'r my own, if I'd just agree to join her flock n' become her newest lamb.

Way I been rejected and left in the wilds by so many men along the Frontier, I figured the attention was nice…so I gave in to her.

And then thereafter, I was on the wrong end of such a _scratch…_

Think I were out fer about a week or so in that lizard land, ree-cooper-atin' from the nick that Gila Girl gave me. I tried to summon her up from her waters again when I was strong enough, but she cut out from there, but told me in my head that she would speak with me agin', when I were all ready to do so as my "Real Self" then.

From there now I've been solitary, relaxin' as much as I please in my cedar sanctum. …Hmph! Sanctum…didn't even ken I knew such words…think sometimes it's the Shepherd, impartin' what she's known for so many hundreds 'er years unto me…learnin' me in a manner no men never could.

Speaking a' them hapless homebrays, I've had some hopeful vermin creep on up to my doorstep once they heard I weren't attached to none of the alleged gentlest of men 'round here as it is. At first I scoffed and such…then I looked out at the grins n' gawks and figured that hey, with my "Real Self" and its rather…interestin' appetite for beefs, maybe I didn't need to forage as much as I been of late. Gatherin' myself to preen and cursty as well I could, I thus let them fellers come as close as I'd like…then I gave them the most exciting of embraces, enough to make the Shepherd herself most proudest of all.

What I wouldn't give here now to have Rand before me, so I could hug it out with that cad as well. From late I hear these days, he gone and changed his handle to "Landolf" stead'a the old "Randolf" he been christened with. Has somethin' to do, he racistically claims, with some Asian settlers're coming and want to do some rather underhanded business with 'im. That ignorant fool…you know too he done looked at me in the past like some fair-skinned meat, to have his way with and naught more…I'll show the gents around here who's the prime cuts to be consumed in these parts.

Worst of all as far as my sly self is concerned, "Land" had inflicted an unkindest insult some days back, getting his goons to play personalizing Pony Express and dropping off a train ticket inside a basket. All complete with what looked to be an illegible nursery rhyme taking me to "tasket" and telling me to bolt on out of town. Or else his posse would come on back in full force, all thirteen of them and such as it were, with more than just messages packing.

He thinks the lot of them can take me, even despite the reports of the damage that I can do. The way I can get inside a man's heart, as well as his 'testines and so many other sections of his body right well, all to satisfy my basingest of desires as it were. With the urgings I've had these past weeks and such, feel I can tear into a steak from the sir down to his loins right well.

I've got it in mind to take this "tisket" and utilize my new nails to route the railroad stub right up where he probably takes it from the other critters in his gang. Then a swing and a swipe and dinner's right there, waiting for me to wolf it down all by my lycanthropic lonesome.

…

…

…

Oh, but wait…looks like one of them "whore's divorce" appetizers before supper, just galloping on up all doorstep delivery. It's my ex, Buck, from years back—speaking of a dog's age. He's written me legions of letters of regret regarding our abrupt end and such; once we're done, though, we're done, I always figure regarding any ill-fated flings. I do appreciate all the paper for kindling, though…how else would I keep my chimney on a'smoking?

I toss the tisket aside and commence to running towards Bucko all on his pretty steed. My womanly self so chides me to stay away…but the animal inside can't resist taking him into my well-receiving arms once again.


End file.
